I’ve been wanting to say some things while feeling the need to avoid doing so, but I’ve been practicing not avoiding things I want lately so here it is.
It was emotional coming back to Australia. I smoked a little joint the first time in 7 weeks and took some time to think about what emotions are really being amplified for me right now.
Even though I feel a pull to slow down and get my bearings, I’m still, in my typical fashion, unable to enjoy slowing down to stop. I will deal with unpacking and finalising my EOFY taxes and then I’m officially taking bookings from Wednesday.
I feel a bit strange putting ’birthday month’ in my bio since my birthday is right at the first burst of the month, and also ‘over’. I feel lucky to have spent it somewhere new, doing beautiful things, with someone I love, but a part of me can’t help feeling I am still separated.
I really wanted to say that spending the last almost 11 weeks on hiatus has been restorative for me and a beautiful experience, and that I missed my cat and my work and I missed the rush of my life. Though that rings so true to me that it’s a tune, a part of it carries something bittersweet. I can’t lie, I feel a little shame for my desire to autopilot back into life before I really tried to start building some balance in my routine (whatever a routine is, I just cant seem to get it).
It’s strange to dance this limbo where I crave to go back to how things were before my surgery or my trip, but I can’t help that feel that I am still carrying a sadness – one I have known for a long time but have only truly allowed myself to feel in full force over the last year – and I can’t lie, a part of me does feel some shame for that sadness.
I used to be a very expressive person, but I feel as though I have been closed up, like a skeleton that someone has slowly over time draped in paper mache, to build me into something strong and solid and unbreakable. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing too much or too little of what I want. I have realised that I don’t trust myself much anymore, not in the ways I used to, and that I want to carve a routine that I feel passion and motivation for that I’m not sure even exists. I avoid things that I used to enjoy, and give them arbitrary labels like ‘good’ and ‘bad’, and I try to make myself balanced, which only leaves me more controlled. I sacrifice a lot, to become the person I feel I should be. Something that has served a great purpose in both giving me what I needed, while helping me either to remember or forget.
I have been thinking a lot of my younger self. I used to read all the time. You’d never find my head outside of a book. I loved writing. I loved song. I dreamt of ‘naïve’ worlds where I would be a ballerina, a poet, a novelist, or a singer. I loved to sing. All of the time. As someone who lived my life inside my head, music and words became a language that I breathed myself into that made me feel love in my life.
I feel that I’ve grown cold to myself and my imagination. I’ve grown cold to my expression. The transparent and trusting person, that is still there underneath, grew harder. I guess I ended up on this path because I couldn’t bring myself to do all the things I feel shame for not doing in my life, that I can’t seem to find the desire or practice for.
Work became something I started to adjust my life to, rather than something I did to sustain my life. It was and is a beautiful and strange and complex thing I have so much love and time for. It was learning and affection and attachments. With some, it was a way to spend time with people who really had time for me.
Since my surgery is over, I’ve had time to recover, and I’m home from my time overseas, I guess I’m ‘officially’ back to work. But I want to move forward having time for the largeness I feel. I would say I’ve been ignoring how I feel to the point of sinking myself, but ignored is the wrong word. I feel. I feel silently, strongly, and vastly. I don’t know what the word for that is.
Ive been struggling to decide how I want to proceed forward with rates and working in a way that compliments me, so for now, I’ll be offering set rates for bedroom dates of 1.5 hours or less, and offering bespoke rates for anything more, to encourage those who want to spend some time doing something social and meaningful (either alongside a bedroom date, or standing alone). This might change or might not, and I will fiddle as I desire. The point is in the practice of trying things I’m not sure about on for size.
Here’s how we are moving forward for now. Website and ads will be adjusted accordingly soon.
~ A swift taste | 30 minutes
Erotic Massage 300 AUD
Girlfriend Experience 450 AUD
Naughty Girlfriend Experience 550 AUD
~ A little more | 1 hour
Erotic Massage 400 AUD
Girlfriend Experience 650 AUD
Naughty Girlfriend Experience 750 AUD
~ Sweet spot | 1.5 hours
Erotic Massage 600 AUD
Girlfriend Experience 900 AUD
Naughty Girlfriend Experience 1,000 AUD
Please enquire politely about your ideal date for a bespoke rate for anything longer than 1.5 hours and dates including social activity. Bespoke rates will be all inclusive of any travel or accom fees necessary to make your request happen. Get in touch for package inclusions, bespoke packages and requests of extras. You may choose or opt to pay my full hourly rate x your desired length for multi hour dates, if you wish.
I’m sure I’ll be mistaken and dissected by some, and I’m okay with that. Connection truly is the crux of what I want, and to be there, I need to shed some truth. I’m looking forward to celebrating my birthday and return with you.
All my love,